THE KING'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

Welcome, and let us begin today with a passage from ‘www.bbc.co.uk’, chapter ‘News’, verse ‘English News Merseyside:

“An Unholy Row Has Broken Out Over Some

Christmas Lights in Warrington

The Diocese of Manchester has accused the borough council of a secular agenda because a town centre light bears the message Recycle for Warrington.

The diocese has quoted one Warrington church-goer, who it has not named, as saying: ‘To re-brand Christmas in this way with this recycling logo represents a loss of all common sense.’”

‘A loss of all common sense’? Let me just run another quote by you to maybe highlight what ‘common sense’ this un-named church-goer is referring to:

‘believing that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master. This master will then remove an evil force from your soul; an evil force that is present in all humans because a woman made from a rib was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree, thereby pissing off an invisible wizard who lives in the sky.’

Aha, makes much more sense than trying to remind people to think about how they dispose of the tonnes of wrapping paper and plastic packaging they’ll have to get rid of following the festive period. But, then again, what point is there in caring about the planet really: I mean it’s only a temporary home until we are all – all the good, God-fearing folk obviously – redeemed at heaven’s gate to float about in a fluffy eternity? Maybe it’s even better to pollute – that may explain why a God-fearing country, led by a God-fearing man at the head of a God-fearing administration, produces a quarter of the world’s greenhouse gases and is even now trying to worm its way out of another international agreement that may hinder its continued economic dominance of the globe. Yes, that’s it: the more we suffer here on earth, the greater our reward shall be in heaven. Of course, we’re polluting for God; we’re polluting for us! The quicker we filth it up, the sooner we’ll arrive at the point where our quality of life really does begin to suffer and then, yeah, cool man, we’ll really suffer and, boy, those celestial rewards’ll be so much sweeter.

Having said that, I am a little concerned about what God’s thinking about us destroying his master-work. There must’ve been a lot of work that went into designing all the various flora and fauna that we are systematically killing off, so I don’t imagine he can be too impressed with this blatant disregard that we’re showing them (and therefore him?) in order to garner for ourselves a better after-life. But, then again, he did design us to be the special ones and all fates are pre-ordained anyway – have we been blessed with free-will, or not, I’m confused? – so he must have known it would all come to this. Of course, it all only took him six days to create anyway, so what’s the loss? Soon knock another up if and when required. It’s just like pitching a tent really. A temporary holiday home that we crap all up with our dirty boots and stink all up with our windy farts, but it doesn’t really matter as, at the end of the holiday, the last ones out pull down the tent and follow the rest to that great semi in the sky for some serious, eternal, home-comforts chilling.

But maybe I’m getting a little off-topic here… let us return to the saga of the sheep and shepherds of Warrington, and their battle with the heathen town council…

The un-named church-goer went on to say:

“It is a clear example of a council that has forgotten what Christmas is about. Christmas is not an opportunity for marketing departments…”

Unless that would be the marketing department of Christian churches, who have dominated this season’s agenda since it marketed its way into our souls – in England – in about 600AD or something. Jesus, can we not keep Jesus out of Christmas?!

He just tagged himself onto an existing celebration anyway, one that the church couldn’t erase if it was to be accepted into yet another community and continue collecting those oh-so non-materialistic tithes that keep the bishops regaled in their authoritative, yet pious, finery. Yeah, I know it’s Christ’s name on the packaging, but we’ve been celebrating at this time of the year since time immemorial in order to ward off fear and evil winter spirits, and to give up offerings to various gods to try and ensure a fertile spring, so who can be arsed to changed the name now?

It’d be Christmas, or Winter Solstice, or whatever by any other name. We all know what Christmas means to us, and hopefully we all enjoy ourselves following whatever tradition or custom tickles our fancy, so let’s not begrudge the environmentalists among us easing their consciences by recycling their crap and attempting to promote the benefits to the rest of us.

And here endeth the sermon. If you could all now turn to your hymn-books, so we may all rejoice together in the song, ‘Let’s all ‘ave a Good un, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la’.

Thank you.